It has been quite the revelation of my own self-reliance, independence, and weakness. Since my Eastern journey began, more and more of what has interfered with my personal relationship with God has been uncovered.
Some was unexpected. Others had been experienced over the decades, but were largely ignored.
And what was asked for in my past life was never clearly shown.
Just like those who were taught by parables, my heart and mind wasn’t open yet. It took a different way of looking at life for that to happen.
Lessons from the past…
How often are we faced with hard challenges and think life is just being unfair? Is it a habit to blame others or circumstances for the present dilemna?
Or, instead, just recognize those as an opportunity to change for the better?
Should we blame life for our hardships, or embrace them?
These lessons are often repeated throughout a lifetime. But in pride, finding ways of hiding or thwarting the resulting discomforts is often an easier practice than facing the bitter reality.
One of those lessons for me was to lash out at “life”, declaring my much desired goals were not able to come to fruition because of…you name it. Government regulations, someone’s critique of the idea, input from those around me who were negative to the pursuit.
Now I must grow up…
A support system is always best when starting new goals. But the type of support system must be realistic. And go far deeper than the surface level of the concept.
Negative input only puts the brakes on what could bring those dreams into existence.
So now, being one to really desire to have my own business again, I must once more face the realities that are part of that process. Negative input only puts the brakes on what could bring those dreams into existence.
Again.
Time is growing short. What was once rejected must now be embraced. If not, those dreams will die with me, and regret will become my dying reality.
Choices…
My choice now lies between self-reliance, stress, and control…or total surrender.
Peace isn’t found in worry or striving.
It is found when the realization of depending on self and the world is replaced by total surrender to God. It was He who gave me this gift, and it is I who must offer it all back to Him.
But first…
I first must be willing to face this Vally of the Shadow of Death to self. And, as in the promise of Psalm 23, I know I will not be walking alone.
In the words from a morning offering from the Elders of Optina:
O Lord, grant that I may meet all that this coming day brings to me with spiritual tranquility. Grant that I may fully surrender myself to Thy holy Will.
At every hour of this day, direct and support me in all things. Whatsoever news may reach me in the course of the day, teach me to accept it with a calm soul and the firm conviction that all is subject to Thy holy Will….
Letting go and remembering the past…
None of this will happen by my efforts alone. I haven’t the capacity.
But what has happened in my past to mirror what God is doing this time? Stepping out of my comfort zone is never easy. Having someone else to walk physically beside me is needed.
Did God help me in the past when I had to face my fears? Of course.
Like the first fear of letting go of my Google accounts that permeated every aspect of my online experiences, I must let go. There is light at the end of that seemingly dark tunnel of dependence.
None of this will happen by my efforts alone. I haven’t the capacity.
Or the fear of leaving my cell phone home when going out. I keep forgetting that I was always sent help in the nick of time when needed.
Like when the timing belt broke on a busy freeway and my neighbor just happened to be driving by and saw what happened. He stopped and drove my children and me to a phone booth to call a tow service. And back then, cell phones were relatively new and expensive, so very few people had one.
Or, more recently, when a tire blew on our way to church. We needed to arrive at a specific time, and waiting for help from home was making us later. But just in time, a kind gentleman and his young son stopped behind our disabled car to help us change the tire. And we made it to class on time.
So now I must rest in Him…
The struggle and anxieties must be set aside. All of those things just are displays of myself trying to control the steering wheel of my little world. And I haven’t the ability to do it.
In this little venture, God is showing me to stop trying to be in the driver’s seat of my life. He’s got it. And He has a lot more experience guiding this ship than I do.
So now, I must lay it all down. And just be the vessel He will work through, not the other way around.