every human being matters

“Skills aren’t gifted to us with age. We don’t magically become able to manage our emotions when we become 18. That’s not how it works. We learn to manage our emotions through our earliest relationships.” Dr. Becky Kennedy, Psychologist¹

As I was watching my children and grandchildren over the years, I began to reflect on my own childhood upbringing. It was the typical norm most adults in the west have experienced. We were given the necessities of life: food, clothing, shelter, the best schools our parents could provide. We learned life skills by watching our parents interact with other people. And the behaviors we learned became our baseline for how we act as adults.

Some hide their feelings, only to express them later to someone else. Others react outwardly because they learned that any negative feedback was a form of rejection of them personally. Still others became outright criminals, disregarding the property or personhood of the people with whom they interact.

None of this should surprise us.

But the one thing that I personally had never realized was the impact our own behavior as parents reflected how they would see themselves and life around them as adults. It also became the role model for them to rear their own children – one that wasn’t always without failings. The same reactions and lack of understanding became their way of coping with others in exactly the same way they were taught.

I needed to change that in my own life – to become a better example for them. I changed much, and was able to stop many of the worst behaviors, but because I failed to replace them having no understanding how to fill what was missing in my own upbringing or improve the behavior I was emulating, they are now being passed along by another generation repeating the same problems.

Now I am beginning to unravel what was not working because I am learning new tools. I can begin to be a better example to my grandchildren and can at least try to begin to change the curse that has plagued our family for generations by showing them what I have learned by my actions.

So what were those missing pieces?

There are typically two bookends of parenting styles: strict, or permissive.

The strict parenting style is built around a moral framework that promotes an idea that children were born sinful. There is no goodness in them. The only way to change their outward conduct is to deal with them harshly by shame and punishment to rid them of their inbred or inherited behaviors.

If they hit their sibling because they were jealous, they were punished. If they stole something, they were disciplined. If they “misbehaved” they were put in the corner for timeout. There was no curiosity about why they acted out. They were “just made to behave”.

The permissive parenting style, in full rebellion to the harsh treatment they may have witnessed or endured, refuses to punish at all. They ignore unreasonable behavior, never giving boundaries to their children. Those kids are the ones who annoy diners in crowded restaurants or gatherings such as church services or theaters, running up and down the aisles, damaging the property of others without consideration, yelling loudly, jumping on the furniture, etc. The parents allow them to express themselves without regard to the affect it has on those around them.

But it seems that both miss the point.

Is there a better way?

Yes. And that is the middle ground that we know exists, but rarely find.

The secret to success in our personal relationships applies to how we parent. We can become more considerate without imposing our views. We can accept others without adopting their beliefs, confident in our own. But first, we must be curious about the other person. Then we can listen to them to discover what they are trying to express.

But that understanding must begin within ourselves. It takes a shift in our mindset.

We tend to try to convince others that our viewpoints are correct, not seek to understand their feelings. Whether it is telling a child they must not run in the street or not watch a particular movie, the concept is the same. Our own reaction to their meltdowns usually results in telling them to “get over themselves”, “stop being a baby”, “if you don’t stop complaining (or mouthing off), I’ll send you to your room (take away your favorite video games, books, toys, whatever)”. We punish, cajole, threaten, spank, send to time-out the child to force their behavior to change.

But we rarely want to understand what is going on inside their heads. We only want to change their outward behavior without hearing their viewpoint. And that will affect how they treat others when they get older – including their own children.

Let’s shift perspectives…

Looking at it from the other little person’s point of view, they see someone who is dictating to them something that they don’t agree with. If their point of view isn’t acknowledged or respected, then their respect for that authority figure diminishes and they turn what should be their love for the other into hatred, anger, resentment.

Think back to your own childhood. How did your parent respond to your non-compliance? Did they punish you, or did they try to understand why you reacted the way you did?

What if your boss did that to you? How long would you stick around with that kind of belittling when you might have had legitimate reasons for not doing as you were told?

But what if your parent had approached you in a different way? What if they listened to you and acknowledged your reasons or the way you viewed the demand? They may still want you to comply, but if they realize that what was said was upsetting, they may seek to find out why. Would you have learned that having feelings about something was okay, even if you disagreed with the decision? Or would you have learned that trying to bully your way to get what you want was the only behavior that felt validating? Or, worse, learning that you could refuse to do something just by no longer complying and no one could force you do change your mind?

Learning that both parties involved in disagreements have a stake in the outcome begins with acknowledging the other person’s feelings. It’s a change in perspectives. You can both have valid views on something, and still disagree. By recognizing that you hold differing perspectives is the beginning of understanding the other person.

It doesn’t mean that the outcome will necessarily change, but it begins to shift relationships. It opens the doors of possibilities that could otherwise have ended up in a combative stance between each other. It is crucial that we recognize that we can all hold two subjective truths at the same time. Our own viewpoints and that of the other person. IMAGE: both okay

This also holds true for ourselves. We often hold very difference sentiments about something at the same time. If you really enjoyed just listening to the birds outside, and your friend preferred heavy metal, you can both acknowledge your different preferences. Neither of you are wrong in your choices, and both sentiments are equally valid. You can hold both those subjective truths within your mind without changing your own predilection.

The bottom line…

In the words of Dr Becky Kennedy, Good Inside book, our behaviors (how we act) isn’t the same as our identity (who we are). The same goes for the other person. We can acknowledge their right to see something differently as we do. And that’s okay.

In relationships, it’s important to accept that different people can have different feelings, thoughts, and viewpoints at the same time. Recognizing that both yours and someone else’s experiences are valid helps both people feel seen and understood, even if they disagree. Instead of trying to prove who’s right, the goal should be to understand where the other person is coming from. That means listening to them, trying to see things from their perspective, and accepting that there isn’t only one true way to interpret a situation. The purpose of this isn’t to convince the other person that you’re right, but to connect with them on a deeper level.

By accepting multiple truths and focusing on understanding, relationships become healthier because both people feel seen and respected. The key is that understanding is about building connection through learning about each other’s emotions and perspectives, not about one person being right or wrong.

FOOTNOTES:

1 – “How childhood wiring impacts adult life, in 90 minutes | Becky Kennedy: Full Interview”, BigThink, https://youtu.be/ESVLE2jX-8k?si=qjF0gtKTkTFYpM4P