every human being matters

This isn’t categorized under “Spirituality” because it affects nearly everyone on the Neurodivergent spectrum, especially Autistics. It’s a processing difference misunderstood by most. I want to shed light on the unseen internal struggles and promote greater understanding and compassion, allowing neurodivergent individuals to grieve and cope on their own terms without external pressure. And perhaps that insight with help the reader to support them in that effort.

Very recently I encountered another situation in which my own nemesis reared its ugly head again.

I had met a very wonderful gentleman over a year ago. We talked several times over the course of the year and got to know each other pretty well. We shared common experiences, had similar spiritual journeys, and, in the new world I am now in, was one of the few connections I’d made who understood the struggles and blessing that came with out common backgrounds.

At the beginning of the month, I learned that he had passed away. I had no way to contact him, and had wondered why he had not shown up in the place we always ran into each other. Now I know why. He was struggling with a cancer that he had found out about during that course of his absence. No treatments worked.

Now I am facing loss again. And it’s been difficult as the past memories of such incidents began to resurface.

Death. It is a world into the unknown. And no matter how often it is explained and the hope that rises within it supposed to be involved on the spiritual side, the pain of that loss is far more intense to someone on the spectrum.

Hypersensitivity…

One of the most characteristic signs of Neurodivergency is hypersensitivity, yet, at the same time, the inability to sense their own emotional or physical needs. It is a strange dichotomy that makes it very confusing and very different between those who see the world through a different set of glasses.

Like a Windows computer, those on the outside cannot communicate or understand well those who run Mac OS or Linux systems. Translators have to be built to bridge that gap, and very often they don’t fully succeed in their effort.

In the Neurodivergent world has what is called “hyperarousal” characteristics. It means that all their senses are in a constant state of high alertness to the all the stimuli around them.

Lights are too bright or too dim. Sounds are too high or at an irritating pitch. The sense of touch can feel too close to the body, too tight, too baggy, too scratchy, too soft, too irritating in some way. Food or anything that goes into their mouths or on their tongue can feel too slimy, too hot, too cold, too bitter, to stringy, too sweet, too sour, to icky to continue consuming.

Too many people, too chaotic, disorganized, and disregulating their physical systems. The body, not the mind, is the problem. It receives input from all senses and sends it to the Amygdala, which governs fight or flight responses. When overwhelmed, burnout manifests as crying, arguing, yelling, and physical outbursts—triggered by that final often minor event tips the nervous system over the edge.

You get the idea. The world it too everything, which is why we tend to find places to hide after being overwhelmed by what the rest of the world sees as “normal life”. ¹

So back to change…

When a Neurodivergent person encounters change, it takes time to process. For an Autistic, it can take days, months, even years before something the seems like a simple problem can be overcome.

The process of the Autistic brain is far more complex than that of the Neurotypical brain. It deep-dives into everything. The process involves researching past experiences, the latest psychological therapies and discoveries, comparing notes with other neurodivergent friends and family members, talking it out with those they feel can help support them in their journey toward discovery.

They will keep searching until a clear, sensible answer quiets their puzzled mind. If the solution doesn’t make sense, they discard it and keep looking—or restart the process. Factors like age, experiences, past unsatisfactory answers, or suppressing questions until similar situations recur, keeping the cycle going all over again.

Job changes and mounting pressure from management and coworkers to stay “flexible” as deadlines and expectations shift constantly. Growing accustomed to routines only to have them disrupted by events or people. Befriending others only to discover they never liked them. Losing someone close who truly understood them—a rare virtue in the neurodivergent world. Desperately trying to organize the chaos they are experiencing, only to realize it can’t be done in a way that would accommodate their overwhelmed mind.

Then along comes death…

Not of themselves, but of someone or something they connected to.

Loss is hard for any person, but especially hard for a neurodivergent. Remember the hypersensitivity? This is where it becomes especially difficult.

Life is a universal human experience. Eventually, we all face death as our bodies age and fade—no hope or science will ever change that.

So loss is very real. We lose our loved ones, our beloved pets, the house we live in, our children, our special mementos, our finances. Everything we have is transient. And many people are able to comfort themselves in something outside of themselves to accommodate or lessen the burden of those losses.

But not so for the neurodivergent. Loss is loss, no matter the form. Some hits them more strongly than others. But the loss of something that gave them a deeper level of comfort and acceptance is something they will struggle with far longer than most people

Personal experiences…

The loss of my dad, my husband, my grandmother, my dogs, my other small and tiny pets – all of it – affect me far more than the loss of material possessions. They have a deeper meaning to me and often were there during my greatest struggles.

I never understood death. Not the origin of death – on that I have a firm foundation. But the purpose of becoming close to another living, breathing thing only to have it pulled out from my entire world. It is a loss that goes far deeper than physical attachment.

Just the thought of losing a pet I have become fond of and is big a part of my crazy world makes it even more difficult. They are living by instinct – trying to please us, acting as they do with their own little personalities within the limitations of their unique animal characteristics. I have to go down into their world to understand their needs and wants. And they, in return, give me acceptance, even when I’m not in a good mood. They understand it is only temporary, as they live only in the moment.

But when their world disappears from view, and their life is over, or they are suffering beyond their capacity to survive yet continue to will to live for us, that is when my heart breaks and my own world falls apart. The suffering and struggles – even before death – is something I cannot fathom any good reason for when it comes to the innocent.

Babies and little children fall into this category as well. None of it makes sense.

Not in the suffering or death itself – spiritually I grasp the meaning. But the act of each is what I cannot grasp. And no one ever has had the answers that can fully satisfy.

So what to do? What can you do for us?

So when this new person in my life was taken away, all those questions resurfaced. Now I have to struggle with them again, find new answers to calm it’s passions, and struggle until that has passed once more.

And life goes on. Death still comes. And loss is a way of life.

But for those of us on the spectrum, that is the most difficult and misunderstood concept of our world.

Be there. Give us space. Say nothing except to give us only the necessities to survive.

And don’t force us back into the reality of life until we can get through the pain of loss. It is far harder for us to grasp than anyone beyond this neurodivergent life could ever understand. Except by someone else who is on the spectrum and experiences those very same struggles.

We just need to be reminded that others care about us, too – not just who or what we lost.

Footnote:

1 – Parents posting videos of their “violent autistic child” often overlook that the child may be overwhelmed by societal demands to be “normal,” which they can never meet. These expectations ignore their constant cries for help to self-regulate, leading to increased distress and disruptive behavior as their way of seeking survival in a world that doesn’t understand them.